bittersweethope (bittersweethope) wrote in queer_weddings,

so i know this isn't massively wedding related, but this is the only place i feel i can really vent right now where there are people who REALLY understand my issues.

i swallowed my pride, i wound up my courage and i asked my crazy uber-christian-when-it-suits-her mother if she and my stepfather would be able to financially help us with the wedding.

i should have known; i did know, i chose to ignore and be hopeful; how it would go. i asked and she says, umm... yeah... well.... about that.... this is hard... umm... well... you see, since i don't see this as a real wedding, even though i know it is to you, it isn't to me, and i don't know how he feels about it. we don't actually talk about it at all. so well, i don't know.

then she goes on to ask how much. a fine question. but my original ask of 5000 went right out the window. she gave my sister 5000, i thought it would be fair. she should have money saved for me. just for this. she was in a car accident with a semi truck that gave her a VERY nice settlement, so she gave my sister 5000 for her wedding, my brother 5000 to spend on his band and music and me, nothing. i didn't even know they had settled until my sister told me.

so needless to say i was hurt. i said fine, whatever. call me when you guys decide. and hang up. but she isn't done apparently. she starts texting me! about how much my dad is helping and my fiances mom (who is ancient and on disability and is still wanting to help AND accepts us 100%) is helping. so i got a bit snippy back and told her i didn't see why it was important how much everyone else was helping and that i wasn't asking for anymore than they helped my sister. so she tells me i'm being rude! and then we continue to have this HUGE conversation via TEXT MESSAGES all night. the only good thing that came out of it is that i have FINALLY stood up to her and told her exactly how she makes me feel and let her know she could not guilt trip me.

i am so upset right now. i just want to cry. she had me in tears in the middle of target because of this phone conversation. i want to tell her to just fuck off, i don't want or need her money or her presence at my very real wedding.
but without her help, we have no money. we are trying to save, but it isn't goint great. we only have about 300 saved and the wedding is in august. (hunny's mom wants to help, but lives off of 400 a month, so she can't really do much, and my dad is taking us and my sister and her husband to vegas in may, pays for my car and my insurance because i haven't really been able to, without throwing it in my face EVER, and is constantly doing, buying, and in general being there for me so much that i don't feel right asking him for much more help than can you help me print these or hook my up with some deals)

the whole situation makes me so angry. i am even thinking, fuck it all. who really needs the beautiful wedding they've been planning for years. we'll wear cheap sundresses and ask my dad to cook. we'll invite even less people then we already are (35 invites total). hell, why even go to the beach where i've been envisioning my wedding for as long as i can remember, we can just stay in town and have it in someone's backyard! postcards for invites, no attendees, no honeymoon, no rings.

and I HATE that she has the power to push my thoughts that way. I WANT MY WEDDING.

i want my beautiful white dress. i want her there, supporting me and HAPPY for me. i want rings and flowers. i want my friends and family there. i want it to be perfect.

but it isn't the way SHE wants it. so she is going to do her best to make this a miserable experience for me.

when i told her about the engagement she said, 'isn't that illegal?' and 'when is this going to happen?' and LOTS of awkward silence. when i told her i was bi she said, 'just remember what is says in the Bible...'
i knew she would try and ruin this.
and now i'm letting her.
i hate the effect and influence parents can hold over people.

i have nothing to add about planning. except that without a solid budget it is next to impossible to do much. david's bridal is have a $99 sale in march. so hopefully we can find and buy our dresses.
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you'll have your wedding. even if it's financially uncomfortable. and even if there is family drama. because your wedding is about you and your wife, and that's it.

don't let her ruin it. stay focused on what you want and need, and you'll be ok.

also, on the less-important note, i've heard awful things about the david's bridal $99 sale. just don't go in expecting it to be a panacea. :)
Ugh. So sorry about all this.

A couple things:

1) don't let her use your wedding as her opportunity to harass you with her homophobia. If she doesn't support it, then that's it. She doesn't have to come, she doesn't have to participate in the planning, nothing. And you're just going to have to live without the money. People use money as a means to control others, and if you remove the money from the equation then they hold no power over you. This is a happy time for you, don't let her ruin it for you. Yes, it'll hurt that she's not happy for you, but that's a choice SHE'S making.

2) You can have a beautiful wedding on very little money. It'll be a little harder, but at least it'll be on YOUR terms. Do you want to spend the time between now and August angry and upset and dealing with your stepmom holding money over your head the whole time? No. Cut that off now and you can enjoy the next several months coming up making a wedding you and your partner can live with.

3) If money is so tight right now, maybe consider postponing until a time when you'll be in a better financial position? A year, maybe? And that way you don't have the time pressuring you to come up with wedding ideas that fit your budget. You will have time to find someone to make you the white dress you dream about within your budget, can save for photographer, flowers, food, etc.

Just a couple of ideas. I can imagine how hard it must be, but you have to step up and be the bigger person here. Don't let her ruin your happiness.
i agree with all of this. waiting until you can afford the wedding you want will be hard, but it will be far less headache in the end.

also - to save money on dresses, there are some beautiful and extravagant bridesmaids dresses that can be ordered in white/ivory. watters is a good line - some of them even have trains!
Oh, sweetie, I am so, so sorry. :/ Don't let her do this to you. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

We canceled our wedding a few times because we didn't have enough money... but now we do, and we're having it this year. Canceling and saving up money might be a little rough, but you can do it and then have the wedding of your dreams. *hugs*
*big hugs*

I know it's really hard not to let unsupportive parents get under your skin. It's doubly hard when it comes to planning a wedding and asking for financial support.

I'm lucky that my mom and stepdad are helping financially, however for my partner it's a different story. Her dad and stepmom have pretty much decided that because this is a gay wedding it doesn't "count". Her brother just got married and they gave him money and then said to us, "we're not sure we'll be able to give that same amount to you. Ugh..

But the moral is...we went into this knowing there would be some family members who were supportive (financial and other) and then there would be those that wouldn't.

This is your wedding, your celebration of one else's and my feeling is to just do what you can to make it exactly what you want on whatever budget you end up with.

Have you thought about looking on line for dresses? I've found a few sites that sell them cheaper than at the bridal stores...ebay might be an option too.

Rather than the David's Bridal sale, I would suggest going to some of the higher end stores, finding a designer you know fits, and trolling E-Bay. The other thing, Sample sales. My sister in law bought her $4000 dress at a store doing a sample sale for $160.