Sister Nailgun of Enlightened Compassion (caitirin) wrote in queer_weddings,
Sister Nailgun of Enlightened Compassion

Iniviting Family

Hello, first time posting here. I have a question.

I am marrying my girlfriend in October. I'm not sure what to do about inviting extended family. I've not really 'come out' to most of them, though a portion of them certainly know that I'm a lesbian.

How do you know who to invite? Do you have to come out to them first?

Has anyone else dealt with this?
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i just sent them invitations, honestly. i figured for the ones that i hadn't yet come out to, unless they really have no contact with anyone else in the family - they already know i like girls. people are gossipy, especially about that sort of thing. i figured, if they didn't approve, well that's what the "declines" portion of the RSVP card is for.
Was there any awkwardness, with people coming but feeling strange about it?
if there was, i didn't notice it. we had some members of our extended families write very nice things in our online guestbook prior to the wedding, and all i heard was how beautiful it all was on the day of. twas funny to see my "redneck" cousins dancing on the same floor with all of our queer friends. :)

what i did hear from my mom was that my family said it was such a beautiful wedding, and they were surprised because 'they just didn't know what to expect' (whatever that means) - though that probably has to do with my being the 'artsy freak' in the family too.
^_^ Thanks! That is very reassuring!
I plan on just inviting the family.
I haven't gotten around to telling my dad yet, but I will be doing that in person. However aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, they can all find out on an invitation. And maybe a little word of mouth. My girlfriends given name is Griffin, so there might need to be a picture of two brides on the invite or something. ha.

I agree with allisonjayne (who had a cool wedding i saw in one of the many wedding communities I stalk...) they might already know via family gossip.
I think I might handle it the same way as you :) Thanks!
The majority of my family and family friends know, so it's not too much of an issue. For the few who don't we are planning on letting them know with the invitation.

My GF's family is a little different, in that there are quite a few who don't know or even more she was told not to tell. Now that we are having a ceremony she is attempting to come out to a few of them before the invitations are sent out and has also asked her dad and stepmom for their feelings about it (since the stepmom was the one who asked for some people in the family not to be told in the first place).

Don't know if that helps. But, my feelings are people will respond however they feel comfortable, so you should do the same in making the invitation :).

Thanks, that's very helpful!
i haven't sent invites yet, and i do have some family members who may not know i'm queer (i'm bisexual and my previous LTR was with a boy) but i plan to just send them and see what happens. my parents and grandparents and most of my aunts and uncles do know, but i think some ppl may have missed the memo.

my fiancee, OTOH, has a grandfather that still doesn't know, and she's still angsting a lot about whther to invite him.
ooh I hope your fiancee can figure something out!
oh i feel for you! my fiance is trans and we're debating if/when/how to tell my extended (rather conservative) family. they've met him and he passed just fine, but it would be easier for it to all be out in the open, plus a lot of them will be coming from out of town and if they disapprove, i'd rather they not show up anyway. i'm thinking about writing them all a letter and sending that a couple days after the save-the-date. this is all complicated, of course, by my parents saying they're not coming at all. i hope it all works out for the best for you. let us know what you decide!
aww man, I'm sorry your parents aren't coming!

That sounds tough.

Thanks for sharing though!
We're going through the same thing right now. And you WILL be surprised by the outcome, whatever you do. I'm hearing (second hand, through my mum or Grandparents) that there are a lot of people who I was uncertain about are saying "that's great! we'd better be invited!!!" but then there are others who have met my FH and everything, and are fine with the relationship that are saying they think it's completely wrong. These hypocrits have no "problem" with us being together, but feel we are threatening the sanctity of marriage, or some other bullshit along those lines. Add to that the fact that we're not sure who knows yet, and the fact that I have a large number of guests potentially coming from overseas, we have decided to send out "pre-invites". They are somewhat of a cross between a Save-The-Date card, and a formal engagement announcement. As we are doing this to try and guage how big our wedding is going to be, we have also included a response card basically asking people to email us or return the card itself telling us whether or not they would be interested in attending the wedding (but with the added smallprint that this card is NOT an invite, and should not be taken as a guarantee that they will be invited, as we are still fine tuning our guest list.)

If you'd like to see our wording and stuff, email me at

canadiansquirrel at hotmail dot com

and I'll send you a copy.

Good luck!!!
Sounds very complicated! o.O!

Thanks for the help!